His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
