I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
