so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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