hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize