Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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