your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
