We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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