Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
