Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
