He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just invented taco cereal.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
