So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize