One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
two words...techno handjob
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
