I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
