Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
