i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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