My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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