so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
