soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Someone came in the potted fern
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
