i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
