last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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