I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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