I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
