I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
