I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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