My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
