can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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