Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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