This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
