Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize