I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
