Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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