Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Someone shattered a urinal.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
