i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
