sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
