I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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