if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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