i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
