I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
