you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
