he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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