Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
