he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
