Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
