she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
