That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
