When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
