I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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