took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im holly from the hills drunk
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
