We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize