if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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