I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
