Yo dont text me then not text me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
