Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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