Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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