I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
