i'm signing you up for texting rehab
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
