he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize