Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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