Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
