mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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