did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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