I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
