I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Two words: blizzard sex
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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