I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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