And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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