Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
