he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize