I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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