I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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