Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My ATM looks so different sober.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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