Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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